My hand turned me down
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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