Apparently you make a good broom.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
