I just cut my nipple shaving
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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