New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
