apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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