Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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