Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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