just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
