When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
