Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
