I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
