I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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