You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
