What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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