he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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