I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
