So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize