My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
