Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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