woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
