I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
the day after is always just damage control
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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