Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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