Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
