you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
