I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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