I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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