I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
