If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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