We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
