I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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