proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
