Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
