He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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