Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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