so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
