mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
