Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
