you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
