last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
