I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
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