Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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