We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
