This is not my ceiling
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
