I wish I could punch you in the face.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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