3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
