I faked an abortion last night.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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