I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
