we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
