"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
