Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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