my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize