someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Damn victory sex feels great
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
