grandma shit on top of the toilet
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
