who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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