dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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