I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
