Old men and throwing up are my life now.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
