Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
