I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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