I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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