So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
