omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
