the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
